- Yolculuk nasıldı ?
- Bok gibi iyiydi ..

(The Usual Suspects - Bryan Singer)

Stalker - Let them be helpless like children

Let everything has been planned come true.
Let them believe.
and let them have a laugh at their passions.
Because what they call passion actually is not same emotional energy,
but just the friction between theri souls and the outside world.
and most important, let them believe themselves.
Let them be helpless like children,
Because weakness is a great thing, and strength is nothing.
When a man just born, he is weak and flexible,
When he dies, he is hard and insensitive.
When tree is growing, it's tender and pliant,
but when it is dry and hard, it dies.
Hardness and strength are death's companions.
Pliancy and weakness are expressions of freshness of being.
Because what has hardened will never win.

The Writer's monologue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLN_UanuUTs


One more experiment.
Experiments, facts, truth of higher instance.
There is no such thinhs as facts.
Expecially here.
All this is someone's idiotic invention.
Don't you feel it ?
But you, of course, must find out whose invention it is.
and why.
What good can your knowledge do ?
Who is going to get guilty conscience because of it? Me ?
I have got no conscience.
I just got nerves.
Some bastards would criticize me, I get wounded.
Another would laud me, I get wounded again.
I would put my heart and soul in it, the gobble up both my heart and soul.
I wouuld relieve my soul of filth, they gobble it up too.
They are all so literate.
They all got sensory deficiency.
and they are all swarming around, journalists, editors, critics, some endless broads.
and they all demand: more. more !!!
What hell of a writer I am if I hate writing ?
If it is constant torment for me, a painful, shameful occupation, sort of squeezing out a hemorrhiods.
I used to think that someone would  get better because of my books.
No, nobody needs me !
In two days after I die they will start gobbling up someone else.
I wanted to change them, but it is they who have changed me.
Making me in their own image.
The future used to be just a continuation of the present, with all the changes looming far behind the horizon.
Now the future and the present are one.
Are they ready for it ?!
They don't want to know anything !
All they know is how to gobble !

Stalker: Gush ! How lucky you are ! My goodness, now .. You are going to live a hundred years !
Writer: Yes. But why not forever ? Like the eternal Jew.

  

Eight

Eight

When the great days come, the young man was looking his reflection throuh the mirror in the ruinous bathroom. Mild breeze coming from the little window, was not enough to cool down the fire of his soul. He tapped the rusted water tab and dowsed his hands into the flowing water. That maledictory thought came to his mind again. It was the question that irritates him for his whole life: “ Limits “. Yes. What is our limits ? How fastest an human being can run ? how long time can we hold his breath under the water ? why can not we turn the water into the wine ? why can not we resuscitate the deceaseds ? why can not we walk on the water ? He heard from somewhere even a quantum particle can not be faster than speed of light... Who set these immutable rules ? We found ourselves in infinite world, when we closed our eyes, , but opening the eyes, changes everything everlasting. Impossible worlds fading over his eyes, blew him away through the madness. His left tumb started to shivering. He had to disperse his suffering toughts, to prevent new incoming seizure. He handle the warm soup. He tried to think something else. He started to think primal subject to desperse a male first toughts. Therefore he looked his reflection through the mirror, He noticed  his spooning timorous glance left his place into lust sparks.  He dreamed about the woman of his life. He saw noughty things in his mind and got rid of his shame. After several minutes, there was no shame particles in his eyes. Until 1...

First confronting limit, dropped him down into the world of reality. "The world of reality" What the fuck does it mean ? A world ruled by science, causality and pyhsics laws.. The miserable universe oppressed by dictatorship of the pyshics laws, boring  and damned monotone world, drag him into walley of depressed feelings. And this indipidity and monotonity was so common, he couldn't breath for while. Then he saw the light in the horizon of this walley reigned by fear and darkness. Maybe the light was a creation in his mind, but even this hopeful fantasy was enough to fascinate him. His eyes were closed.  He saw the cliff in the horizon. He jumped without any thought. He lived in his artificial freedom abundantly. Until 2 ...

to be continued ... 

  

Sátántangó - Béla Tarr

In the east the sky is clearing as fast as memory.
At dawn, it leans all red on the shimmering horizon.
Like the morning beggars trudges up the back steps to the church,
The sun rises to givebirth to shade,
So that earth and sky, man and animal emerge from disturbing and confused unity
In which they became in extricably intertwined.
He saw the fleeing night on the other side,
Its terrifiying elements in turn diving on the western horizon,
Like a desperate, defeated, confused army.

Satantango is 7,5 hours but very meaningful movie. Hegel - every moment in history is important - Narrator's words after the death of little girl - Irimias's speech front of girl's death body - The nets that spiders made in the bar -  Historical belfry and " the Turk are coming " - Postmodernist - realizing the fiction which is all belongs to Doctor - The Doctor shut down himself to the reality and buried to his own fantasy world. and - Futaki -

It is 7,5 hours but sure worth to watch !!!

Movie trailer: http://vimeo.com/42868492

A Torinói Ló - The End of The World

- It is gone to ruin. 

- Why would it go to ruin ? 

- Because everything is in ruins. Everything has been degraded, but I could say that they have ruined and degraded everything. Because this is not some kind o cataclysm, brought about with so-called innocent aid. On the contrary, it is about man's own judgement, his own judgement over his own self, which of course God has a hand in, or, dare I say it, takes part in. And whatever he takes part in, is the most ghastly creation that you can imagine. Because, you see, the world has been debased. So it doesn't matter what I say, because everything has been debased that they have acquired. And, since they have acquired everything in a sneaky, underhand fight, they have debased everything. Because whathever they touch - and they touch everything - they debased. This is the way until the final victory. Until the triumphant end. Acquire, debase, debase, acquire. Or, I can put differently if you like: to touch debase and thereby acquire, or touching, acquiring and thereby debasing. it's been going on like this for centuries on and on and on. This, and only this sometimes on the sly, sometimes rudely, sometimes gently, sometimes, brutally but it has been  going on and on. Yet, only in one way, like rats attacking in an ambush. Because for this perfect victory, it was also essential that the otherside thinking everything that's excellent, great in some way, and noble, should not engage in any kind of fight. There shouldn't be any kind of struggle, just the sudden disappearance of one side, meaning disappearance of the excellence, the great ,the noble. So that by these winning champions, who attack from ambush, rule the Earth, and there isn't a single tiny nook where can hide something from them, because everything that can lay their hands on is theirs. Even things we think they can't reach - but they do reach - are also theirs. Because the sky is already theirs, and all our dreams. Theirs is the moment, nature infinite silence. Even immortality is theirs, you understand ? Everything, everything is lost forever ! And those many noble, great and excellent people just stood by, If I can put it  that way. They stopped at this point, and had to understand, and had to accept, that there is neither god nor gods. And the excellent, the great and the noble had to understand and accept right from the beginning. But of course, they were quite incapable of understanding it. They believed it and they accept it, but they didn't understand it. They just stood there, bewildered, but not resigned, until something - that spark from the brain - finally enlightened them. And all at once they realized, that there is neither god nor gods. All at once they saw that there is neither good nor bad. Then they saw and understood that if this was so, then they themselves do not exist either ! You see I reckon this may have been the moment when we can say that they were extinguished, they burnt out. Extinguished and burnt out, like the fire left to smoulder in the meadow. One was a constant loser, another was a constant winner. Defeat, victory, defeat, victory, and one day - here in the neighbourhood - I had to realize, and I did realize that I was mistaken, I was truly mistaken, when I thought that there has never been, and could never be, any kind of change here on Earth. Because, believe me, I know now that this change has indeed taken place. 

- Come off  it !! That's rubbish !! 

The video of the monolog :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQzkIv76qJQ

The trailer of the movie: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ2rFIaFecQ

 

Italy missing flight trip / Italya'ya giderken kacan ucak

When I woke up, I realized that I was tightly bondaged with thick rope to a chair in storage like airless place. Somehow my keys were in my hand. I tried to cut thick rope. I couldn’t achieve. At the same time, I was talking about some staff to try keeping Hungarian mafia hit man defocused. In the end of one hour my hopes were ended. I throw my keys that I was holding, in the purpose of injuring Hungarian mafia hit man....

Some of my friends have known that I already missed a flight before. I was experienced about this issue. Previous incident caused a start for a nice friendship with lots of coincidence inside. Eventually I, Dincer ended up all on my four foot. However in this time everything will be dramatically different. Even it was obvious what will happen from beginning that my first flight landed in Vassa instead of Riga. Maybe this unfortunal chain started via walking from fucking far Mariehem to airport by listening Wei instead of Pedro. One hour expected hiking lasted one hour and 45 minutes. Even before not stepping into the plane, I became exhausted. And of course to getting up early in previous morning and studying for exam between 4-8 pm which I gave incredible effort for it, cause this huge exhaustion. (sorry my english is over for now maybe later) Saat sabah 5'i vurdugunda havaalaninda Erika ve onun gri esofmaniniyla karsilasmami ne yazikki iyiye isaret olarak gormustum. Erika annesini ugurlamaya gelmisti. Ve Milano'ya gidecek olan bu yere batasica ucakta elbette yanyana koltuklardaydik. Sac koruyucu sampuanim ve C vitamin katkili suyuma sahip cikan Erika'ya biraz minnet borcluydum ve annesinin yol boyunca sikilmamasi icin elimden geleni yapacaktim. Erika'nin annesinin Fransiz isminden (Giselle) girip Erika'nin onunla Italyanca konustugum zaman kizmasina kadar muhabbeti harladim. Acikcasi muhabbette bir Italyan kadinini bastirdigima inanamiyordum. Fakat bir nedenden dolayi buna mecburdum, cunku Giselle'nin hizli konusan Torino aksanini anlamakta zorluk cekiyordum. Ucak Riga'ya inmek yerine Vassa'ya inince bir seylerden suphelenmek yerine isi makaraya vurmustum elbette. Italyan orta yasli kadinlarinin kahkahalari her zaman hosuma gitmistir. Nihayet Riga'ya indigimizde Giselle benden birazcik sikilmis gibiydi. Belki de uykumun en derin yerinde beni uyandirdigi zaman " Ananiski " nidasi nedeniyle ona kizgin oldugumu dusunuyordu. Havaalani binasina girdigimizde " sen uyumak istiyorsun" dedi. Ona siddetle katildim. Ayrildik.

Fakat aklima lanet olasi bilgisayarim dusmustu. Saat 9 sulariydi. Bilgisayarimi actim. olacaklardan habersiz olan ablamla skype'ta chat yaptik biraz. Sonra ben internette klasik websitelarimda dolasmaya basladim. Pek ilginc bi seyler yoktu. Buna ragmen yaptiklarim tukendiginde saat 10'u vuruyordu. Bir an Giselle ile goz goze geldik. Yorgundum, uyumak istiyordum. daha bir saat vardi ve ulkeler arasindaki saat farkindan bihaberdim. Uyandigimda etrafta kimsecikler yoktu. Herkes ucaktaydi ve kapilar kapanmisti. Giselle'e guvenmekle hata yapmistim. 19 yasinda yasadigim stresi 24 yasimda tekrar yasiyordum. Morpheus'un sozu aklima geldi. " Bazi seyler degisir, bazi seyler ise degismez " ve kabul etmemiz gerekirki Morpheus bunu soylediginde zerre karizmatik degildi. Derhal kapidaki kadinla konustum. Arayabilecegim kimse yoktu. Litvanyali tas hatun Aurelija Elzbieta cok uzaklarda Malta'daydi.  Kadin beni transfer centre'a yolladi. Stresten ziyade sinir bozuklugu icerisindeydim. Transfer centre'da onumdeki gurultucu aile de sinirimi daha fazla bozmaktan baska hic birsey yapmadi.

Milano'ya inmeliydim, Milano olmassa herhangi bir Italyan sehri, o da olmassa, Italya'ya yakin ulkelerden birine gidecektim. Gurultucu aileye bakarken A'dan Z'ye planlarimi kurmaya basladim. C plani Frankfurt daha olasi gozukuyordu. Sadece iki saat sonraydi. Tek endisem Almanya'daki pahali tren fiyatlari idi. Gurultucu aile mekani terk ettiginde transfer centre' daki kadin onume Berlin ve Hamburg secenklerini sundu. Cok uzaktilar, baska opsiyonum var mi dedim. Baltic Air'de yok ama Lufthansa'da Frankfurt var dedi. Kendi bilet fiyatlarindan bahsetti. Frankfurt'u sordum. Fikri olmadigini soyledi ve bana Lufthansa ofisini tarif etti. Allak bullak olmus zihnim ofisi anca 5. seferde bulabildi. Ofiste yaptigim esprilere cok guzel gulen nazik bir hanfendi vardi. Bana Milano ucagi da buldu. Boylece trene binmek zorunda kalmicaktim. Fiyat Milano ucagi ile birlikte bekledigim kadardi. 203 LU yani 300 Euro, direk affetmeyip Euro'dan daha degerli olan Litvanya parasini  ovdum. Euro bolgesi disinda olmalarinin akillica bir karar oldugunu ekledim. Guldu bunu pek farketmedigini soyledi. 2 sene evvelki buyuk krizden bahsetti fakat Litvanya halki dirayetliydi. Birlikte Yunanlilara giydirdik ve bundan gercekten cok zevk aldik. Aldigim ciktiyi boarding pass'a cevirme vaktiydi.

Bavul sirasina girdigim anda telefonum caldi. Sarjim azdi, acip acmamakta kararsizdim. telefona baktim. Arayan annemdi. "Ne aldin lan 700 lira'ya" dedi telefondaki kizgin ses. Hoperlor acikti, hazirlandim. Sakin bir sesle, " Ucagi kacirdim" dedim. Bunun uzerine elimdeki telefon yuksek desibelden patladi. Isler elbetteki yolunda degildi, fakat bu kadar buyuk bir tepki beklemiyordum. Ve bu tepki buzdaginin sadece gorunen kismi idi. Bavul bildirimindeki guzel sarisin hatunu gordugumde buzdagi aklimdan cikti. Onla da birazcik gulustukten sonra artik daha dikkatli davranacagim B4 kapisina yollandim. yolda fesbuyu acip ablamin tepkisine bi bakmak aklima geldi. Girisi direk karsidan goren ve fisi olan bir yer buldum. Fezbuyu actigimda isin ciddiyeti tonlarca agirligi ile uzerime indi. Ablam evvela harcadigim parayi 203 lira sanmisti anca sonra oha 700 lira tarzinda az bir tepki gostermisti. Fakat Tamer... Tamer bana asla unutamayacagim bir ders vermis, gotume kazigi sokmustu. Ablam kredi kartimi iptal etmisti. Bu demekti ki Genova'ya gitmeyi birak, Isvec'e bile geri donemeyecektim ve geri donebilsem bile ordaki masraflarimi karsilayamayip AC dolasacaktim, daha sonra Tamo kartin acik oldugunu soylese de ikinci kazigi gotume tabiiki ablam sokmustu. Kartimda sadece 6,22 lira vardi. Bu dibe vurdugumun resmiydi. Elbetteki ablama iyi gecen sinavimdan bahsettim ve ufuktaki asistanlik ihtimalinden. Yaladim onu. Yumusattim. Kartta 200 lira kullanabilecegimi soyledi. Ve asil para 3 gun sonra yatacakti. Rahatlamamistim, gotumde iki tane kazik vardi. Nihayet Milano'ya indim. Bancomattan para cekemeyince yikildim. 2 sene evvelinin Roma'sina geri donmustum. O zaman 1162'ye Totti formasi alacam diye tum parayi bitirmistim. Fakat mutluydum, 10 numarali forma cantamdaydi. Fakat Milano'da bitik durumdaydim. Caresizce etrafta priz ariyordum. Bilincsizdim. Ablama ulasip durumu anlatmak istiyordum. Priz buldum. Fakat bi zengic pic prizi kullaniyordu.  Interneti kullanabilir miyim dedim. Mesgulum dedi. Va bene amua godugumunun dedim. Aklima bir sey gelmiyordu. Belki temiz hava iyi gelirdi. Sigara sarabilridim hem de.

Ozel arabalarin oldugu cikista sigarami sarmaya basladim. Etrafta bir suru insan sigara iciyordu. Isvec'te degil Italya'daydim. O an aklima dank etti. Sigara sarip satabilridim. 7 tane sigara sardim fakat satma cesaretini icimde bulabilmek icin 2 tanesini icmek zorunda kaldim. Ve nihayet ne zamandir yanimda durmus sigara icen iki adama yaklastim. sigara almak ister misiniz dedim. Centrale'ye gitmek icin bilet parasina ihtiyacim var. Soldaki adam direk elini cebine atti. 2 euro cikartti. Digeri atti bi sey cikmadi. Oburu elini cebine bir daha atti bu sefer 5 euro kagit para cikti. Inanamiyordum. 2 euro'yu geri istedi. Sonra vazgecti. ilk denemede 7 euro'm olmustu. Ve o anda aslinda Genova tren biletini de cikarabilecegim de aklima dustu. O gazla ne zamandir gozledigim iki adamin yanina gittim. Adamlar fransiz cikti. Fransizca konusmami istediler. Konustuk, Fransiz dilinin ne kadar boktan ve ogrenilmesi zor oldugundan bahsettim. Sadece ogrenilmesi zor kismina katildilar. Bir sure sakalastik. Iki kez Fransizca dersi aldigimi soyledim. yine sakalastik. Para vermediler. Iceri girdiler. Ben de girdim. Otobusu beklemekten sikilmistim. Icerdeki informasyon kismina otobusun nereden ve ne zaman kalkacagini sordum. Otobusler bi kat asagidaymis. Gittim bi sigara daha yaktim. Cunku 7 euro veren adamlar sigaralarimi almamislardi. Sigara bitince otobus geldi. Blediye otobusuydu. Daha en basindan kaygilanmama gerek yoktu. Ama yine de iki euro odedim. Tren parasini istasyondan toplayabilirdim. Uzun bir Milano turundan sonra (cunku gereginden fazla uzaga gitmistim) ikinci otobusle tren istasyonuna vardim. 2 sene evvel ki Italya'ya vedam aklima geldi.  Pek bir sey degismemisti Milano'da.

Istasyona girdim. Direk Genova tren bilet fiyatini sordum. Sadece 6 eurom eksikti. Direk 6 sigara sardim. Ve etrafa bakinmaya basladim. Bir kizildereli cifte yaklastim. Genova'ya gitmem gerektigini eger sigaralarima 5 euro oderlerse cok sevinecegimi soyledim. Kovboy sapkali Kizildereli direk cebine bakti ve 2 euro bulabildi. Bana uzatti parayi. Yine 1'de 1'dim. Kabile sefi oturan bogaya ve esi pokahontas'a tesekkur ettim. Sadece 4 euro kalmisti. Sonra ilk anarsist biletimi alabilirdim. O gazla yapmamam gerek bir sey yaptim. Uzun paltolu asik suratli dev gibi bi herife yaklastim. Sigaralarimi sundum. Hic birsey demedi. Ben ayrildiktan sonra birilerini aradigini farkettim. Onemsemedim. Bi tane guney amerikali gence yaklastim. Parasi yoktu, yine de sigaralardan bir tanesi verdim ona. Sevindi. Hala 4 euro eksiktim. Biri zenci 3 kuzey afrikaliya yaklastim. Sigaralarimi hashis sandilar. Zenci son paralarini bir tane kahveye verdiklerini soyledi. Ufacik kahveyi paylasiyolardi. inandim. Birazcik muhabbeti ettik. Hashislerimin hepsini Kuzey afrikalilara verdim.

Istasyonun icerilerine ilerledigim zaman, dev uzun paltolu adam onume cikti. Bizimle geliceksin dedi. Direnmedim. Siyah arabaya yollandik. Arabada Sadri Alisik'tan bozma ince biyikli bir eleman vardi. Mafya olduklarini direk anladim. Belki sevkiyat vardi ve bir liman sehrine gideceklerdi. Milano Eskisehir gibi sehirdi. deniz yoktu. Umutlandim bir an. Mafya arabsi ile Genova'ya gidebilirdim. Hashisi nerden buldugumu sordular. Ben onun hashis olmadigini Turk tutunu oldugunu soyledim. Inanmadilar. Butun sigaralari Kuzey afrikalara verdigim icin durumu kanitlayamiyordum. Nereli oldugumu sordular. Istanbullu'yum dedim. " KAYZER SOZE" dedi on koltuktaki hic konusmayan adam. " Macar mafyasindan hala nefret ediyor musun " diye sordu Sadri Alisik. " ne Macar mafyasi " dedim.. Bu aksam Marsilya'da bir sevkiyat oldugundan bahsetti. Gemi full OROIN ile doluydu. Eger gemiyi kacirip icerdekileri oldurursem. Macarlarin gotune kazigi sokacagimi soylediler. " ama bu imkansiz" dedim. " Kayzer Soze icin imkansiz yoktur" dedi Sadri Alisik. Ona katildim. Kayzer Soze olmayi cok isterdim. Marsilya'ya ulasmamiz 3 saat surdu. Gemiyi gordum, kuru yuk gemisiydi. Elime bir makineli verip beni limanda biraktilar. Buona fortunata dedi Sadri Alisik. " Minchia " dedim. Italyan mafyasi cogunlukla Sicilyalilardan olusur. Bir sure ilerledim, sonra arkama baktim. Siyah araba hala limanda bekliyordu. Kacis yoktu. Belki de gemi bostur diye dusundum. Tum bu olanlar kotu bir sakadir, dedim icimden. Gemiye girdigim anda silahin kabzasini ense kokume yedim. Heryer karanlikti.

Uyandigimda anladimki; depoya benzer, havasiz bir yerde sandalyeye halat ipleri ile baglanmistim. Nasil olduysa anahtarlarim elimdeydi. Kalin halati kesmeye calistim. Basaramadim. Ayni zamanda da bir seyler hakkinda konusup Macar mafya tetikcisini mesgul etmeye calisiyordum. Bir saat sonunda tum umudum tukendi. Elimdeki anahtarlari mafya tetikcisini yaralama maksatli firlattim. " Beni oldurdu "

                                                                                                                                  Genova/Italya, Kasim 2011