Giata'ya Methiye

Kimi yedi yedide seni sakladı

Kimi beyazlara boyayıp akladı

Kimi öldü sırf senin yoluna

Döndüm baktım yine sıcak ve asaletliydin

Ama ben yinede sifonu çektim..

                     21.yy'in en buyuk feylezoflarindan 

                         Alparan Cagatlar Serdaroglu 

Suratina siçmak isterim.

Suratina siçmak isterim.

Hani bazan sıçarsin da tuvalet nerdeyse tikanir gibi olur ya,

Hani burnunu kapatir nefes alamazsin ya,

Hani dua edersin ya kimsenin senden hemen sonra tuvalete girmemesi icin

Hani sonrasinda cok rahatlamis hissedersin ya

Işte öyle suratina sıçmak isterim.

                                                         
                                           Unlu Halk Ozani Diyar Gumuscu

Ahmet'in bizi evden attigi gece

O gun yine 20- 30 erkek Ahmet'in evine toplasmistik. Buyuk bir olasilikla El Clasico'yu ya da bir sampiyonlar ligi maci izleyecetik. Maclar izleniyor, hayvani kahkahalar surdibindeki mahalleyi inletiyordu. Herkesin aksine Ahmet huzursuzdu. Atilan hicbir gole sevinmedi yorum yapmadi. Erdem'le Yasin yatakta bogusmaya basladiklarinda Ahmet'in huzursuzlugu artti. Macin devre arasinda odasina gitti. 4-5 kisi Ahmet'i odasinda da rahat birakmadilar. Selcuk cay ustune cay yapiyordu. Fatih unlu gulucuklerini etrafa sacarken Burak sisst bak bi diyerek yanindaki adamin omuzunu durtup laf anlatmaya calisiyordu. Ahmet sessizdi, mutsuzdu.

Ikinci yari basladi. Cipsler cekirdekler ortaliga sacildi. Herkesin keyfi yerindeydi. Kahkahalar yine ortaligi inletti. Yatakta bogusan Erdem'le Yasin'e simdi Burak da katilmis Fransizlarin Manage a trois dedikleri sanat icra ediyolardi. Ahmet huzursuzdu. O an herkesden igreniyor gibiydi. Yasin ortalikta ic donu ile dolasiyordu. Mac herkese keyif veriyordu. Ahmet haric, Ahmet huzursuzdu. Mac bitti, muzik kanallari acildi. Ekranda Katty Perry'i goren 20 erkege bir keyif geldi. yataktaki Manage a trois'e simdi Hasan'da katilmisti. Zaten bi kenarda siritmaktan baska bir sey yapmiyordu. Foursome'a hizmet etmek belki de en akillicasiydi. Zaza ciftlikteki atlarin ciftlesmesini anlatti. Herkes hayvani kahkahalar atarken saat 12'yi gecti.

Ahmet ayaga kalkti ve hadi evli evine koylu koyune dedi. Insanlar aldirmadilar. Firat rahatsiz oldu. Yataktaki foursome 'a Selcuk da katildi. Ahmet huzursuzdu. Hadi lan gidin artik dedi. Baskan'la Furkan zaten gitmisti. Saat yarim oldu. Ahmet kararliydi. Herkesin montlarini toplamaya basladi. Kimse Ahmet'ten boyle bir tavir beklemiyordu. Yasin isi her zamanki gibi yavsakliga vurdu. Oglum baska bi gun cek 31'ini dedi. Ahmet aldirmadi, Ahmet huzursuzdu. Ahmet insanlari kovmaya basladi. Millet durumun ciddeyitinin farkina vardi. Tufan bir kenarda aglarken, Firat tipki bir fahise gibi Ahmet'e yalvariyordu. Ahmet Dincer'in tuvaletten cikmasini bekledi ve herkesi kovdu. Herkesi !!!!

Evden atilan hayvan erkek toplulugu saskindi. Fazla uzatmadan dagildilar. Dincer'le Erdem surdibinden assagi dogru yurumeye basladilar. Erdem Dincer'e sigara verdi. Sigara ictiler. Vatan'da karsiya gecerken hayati tehlike atlattilar. Erdem minibus'e atladi, evine gitti ve peynirini yedi. Dincer'in minibusu gelmedi. 6 km uzaktaki evine dogru yurumeye koyuldu. Yagmur yagmaya basladi.

Ahmet huzurluydu....

A detective story: FINAL

Her name is Kristina. I knew from the beginning, she is a Russian spy who was sent by SVR for controlling me. For the whole week I was together with her. What a week ! After discussing with my anarchist Russian fellows, I know that I have to follow a guy. He is a key of revolution. He is a former communist guy who joined Turkish conservative party. He was doing his "Hizmet" in all over Africa. Now he is in Kazakhstan. I know that I would find him in one of the trans-siberian trains which is going to Moscow.

So I went to the central station in Almaty. The guy was there waiting for Moscow train. We get into the train after 30 minutes waiting. They checked my ticket and passport, there was no problem. I started to search the train. I had lost the guy after we get in. I feel this train is full of Russian spies. The drunk guy lying over there, can be a special agent. You never know. They are watching us. I went directly to the train's cafeteria. The guy was there, having a coffee and smoking cigarette. I watched the ladscape for a while. It was like full of slough all around. We were approaching to Ural mountains, probably it would be so much dark tunnels there. A perfect place to assult. Russians are going to kill him. He wasn't suppossed to meet with anarchists. Now the train entered in a dark tunnel.

In a small moment, I tought that I saw the drunk guy around. They are going to attack to the guy soon. He is having his coffee right now. Two men just entered into the cafeteria. I can see that they are trained by military. It is going to be a big trouble. I grabbed my gun. They sat his table and speak something in Russian with him. He replied in Russian. Somehow I understood what they are saying. They asked him what he is going to do in Moscow. He said, I will catch my flight to Ankara. They didn't believed him but after a while they just left the cafeteria and never came back.

Train arrived to Moscow, we get out. He stepped in a subway which is going to airport. I followed him. He got out from the subway after two stops. He started to walk in dark streets then entered a bar. He sat in a table, I was in the bar. Three guy stepped in the bar and sat in his table. They talked for a while and gave him  some documents. I could see there was a passport there. Then three guys exited from the bar. After 30 minutes the guy stand up, pay for votka and get out. I followed him again. He got in another subway which is going to airport. After 20 minutes he was checking in at the door of Istanbul plane. Somehow it was the plane that I was going to fly.

We arrived to Istanbul in the morning. He went to the headquarter of conservatives. Then they got out with briefcases and head to the airport. Their destination was Pennysilvania. I bought a ticket in airport. It costed me a lot of money. We arrived there in the evening. They got a car down to the Gulen's modest house. I followed them with a cap. They stayed there until the midnight. I sensed that the guy had a gun with him. The other peole get out of the house without him. He stayed there two more hours. After he got out, he was wearing a long dark coat and a black heat like me. Our eyes stared together. He approached me and He told me, there is no we anymore, we are the part of same system, we are the one, we are Him !

Then I found myself inside of him. We went back to Istanbul alone. I can hear his thinking in my mind. I get in a subway and I had a sit. There was nobody in subway. I think of what the guy said to me in two hours. We discussed about anarchia, he told me, "eventually in anarchic system there will be an authorty, even anarchic system will produce this authority itself and it will not be the natural one that we intent. There will be voilence my brother. In that point the only place that anarchism will exist, is a society, formed by saints and even profits with the purest morality". I think about the paradise, the paradise in the other world. I took out the syringe that Russian brothers gave to me. I started to hear footsteps coming from the other compartment. I took out my letter gloves and stabbed to syringe into my veins. Then I opened the window and throw the syringe in the railway. I started to lose my vision. Three men arrived, they spoke in Russian to eachother. I saw the ugly face of the garbage man. What an ugly face ! He is one of them. Then I lost my vision completely. Now I am in the darkness, a tear just slipped into my checks.
Nothingness in a darkness. I feel the freedom..

                                                                 Umea, 2012 November

Praises for Shit

I am sitting in a toilet, looking at the stones. I gave up to try forcing myself to shit long time ago. Now, I am just sitting here, listening the other people's shitting. Yes, I am in a public toilet. I am trying to find a salvation here. I don't read nothing in this cabin. I used to read something in my place; comic books, novels, short stories. Before constipation, I wasn't reading that kind of staff in the toilet. For me these staff were unnecassary. Because I could shit in seconds and even three times in a day. It was happy times that I used to hate shit. In fact, everybody hates shit.

People think it as terrible, disgusting, nauseous.... People describe the shit with these words. They don't say anything like; relief, fertilizer, the source of the terrestrial life. Shit is brown but according to people it is insult for brown. So It has its own colour, the colour of shit. People don't like step on shit. They curse at that moment. When they don't unterstand anything, they say, I don't understand a shit. They think that the shit doesn't have any meaning. When a person is ugly, they call him as shit face.

 I get out the cabin to wash my clean hands. I saw a guy, just by me. So ... so relieved, so relaxed. The guy with moustache, has a dirty beard. He turned to me, told me, it seems that a dog died in my belly. I hope no one will use that cabin in fifteen minutes.

I go outside for smoking, I didn't pay anything to the toilet guy. He knows me for a long time, he pities on me little bit. I am damned according to him. We smoke together at the door. He was the one tells me not to pay anymore. Before I used to pay everytime. But the guy somehow understood that I couldn't have shit. He tought that it is unfair to charge me for toilet. The toilet guy asked me, how do you feel ? I replied with smiling, I feel like a horse died in my belly ! Toilet guy loughed loudly. He said that I don't understand how they couldn't helped you in hospital. I explained, they told me my situation is not classic constipation case. It seems that something stucked in my colons. They don't know what it is. They even searched for cancer. There was nothing. In these hospital time, I remembered my schizoprenic uncle. He should have an operation from his ass, somekind of hemoroid nad the doctors gave him very powerful laxative to empty his intentines. I was a teenager. I remember the vision that my uncle grabbed his ass and run to the toilet in every ten minutes. He wasn't happy at all in that situation.

Now I am walking through Istiklal Street in Beyoglu ın Istanbul that city I was born and raised. I look the walking people's faces. They don't know anything, they are so ignorant. After a short walk I saw that a dog shitted around a phone booth. People looked at it and disgusted. I looked at shit. The dog was trying to cover it with some soil at the bottom of the three. There were already shit flies on the shit. After the dog left, a cat come and sniff the uncovered shit.

The abdominal pain of mine is unbearable right now. I have even difficulty to walk. I thought while walking, The ancient Egyptians were the only one who gave a great value to shit at least to shit bug. It was the symbol of recycling life for them. They were wise people not like us. I reached to public toilet. Actually it is a mosque by the road to go Galata. I couldn't walk further, the toilet guy took me one of the cabins. I sat on the toilet cap and something broke in me. I can not breath anymore then after a moment I started to see Maati gates in the book of deads of Egyptions. I pass through the door. I left the earth behind. It was the road to awe. After that shiny stars, now there is darkness. The infinite darkness all around of me.

I am relieved ...

                                                        Umea, 2012 Novembre

A Detective Story: Kristina

I am sitting in my office, streching my legs on the desk, listening this fucking shit fly and thinking about Kristina. She told me, Russians are following you. I couldn't stop thinking why Russians are interested about this case. Then I heard highheels sound. In that moment I understood she is coming. She wears really thight grey toilet in this time. Her boobs don't seem to fit in her dress. Her thighs were incredible. She sat without asking. I offered her a cigarette again. What an incredible sight !

She started to talk "is there any improvement in the case, detective ?. I replied, only one improvement is, I know, Russians involved in the case, I don't know why ?. She said, they were always interested in my husband since the communist party time. They knew that his transfer to conservative party was part of his plan. He even confrant them in Turkey. They told him not to do anything in former Soviet countries. Of course he didn't listen to them. I said, I couldn't reach the intelligence's files. The police records say that there is a lost dairy of him. She said, I didn't know he kept a dairy withut my knowledge. In that time I told her, you know, you are really an attractive woman. I looked your picture all around the world. I haven't seen such a beautiful woman in my life. She smiled, you are an handsome guy like my husband, Mr. Detective. But you have to find my husband's diary first.

She stand up and went out while I was looking to her ass. Then I sat little more and I decided to drink something just to stimulate my intelligence. I ordered to Yorgo a Raki while I was in the bar. I asked just two finger water like always. Yorgo wasn't happy againg I drink Raki in the bar. In that time Kristina walked in the bar. She was the sexiest ever in this purple dress. She gave me an hot kiss from the lips and said, I got something for you and she gave me a little notebook. I put it in my pocket and finished my Raki. We left the bar. Yorgo was pleased about that. The guy is real masturbator. In this time we went to her place. In elevator we started to make love. I am the luckiest guy in the universe. She got place full in red. The colour of passion, She told me just fuck me like old days in Kazakhstan. Even that I don't understand anything, I didn't mind. I said, ok. She was so hot. It was intense experience for me. In a strange way, I woke up in my office. But I knew that wasn't a dream. I searched my pockets and found the secret diary there. The diary starts in really strange place, in a woman's bathroom.

A detective story: Police Station

In the morning, I head to the police station to gather some information about this guy. Police station wasn't close, so I took the bus and of course take out my hat again, because the bus was crowded and there were so much less hairy guys around. When I arrived, I get out and walk to the police station.

I entered my friend commissioner Fatih's office. He was there, drinking tea. Everytime that I step in his office, he does nothing but drinking tea. I salute him " Hey man, what's up !! The guy smiled at me and say, hello, fake detective, are you going to ask me about some fat politicians that cheat their wife again ? I said " Hey Fatih, you know I like you, I came to ask you about a guy, committed suicide in the subway. His wife suspects about a murder. He complained, don't call me here with my name, you are going to call me my commisioner, don't forget about that ! Then his guys entered into the office. Four fucking hairy guy and one slim ugly girl. They looked at me with contempted face and said nothing. They don't like me at all. One of them ordered five tea.

Fatih started to talk, tell his wife that the guy committed suicide. We found a syringe on the railway. It took fucking six hours to find it. There was nothing but his fingerprints on the syringe. I interrupted, so fucking deal. They could have murdered him with gloves and hold the syringe with his hand. He said, you are watching so much American movies, detective. The other hairy guys started to lough like animals. Even Fatih got disturbed of that. He yelled, cut it off, you cunts !! They suddenly stop to lough. Only slim girl wasn't saying anything and giving any emotion. She isn't like one of the police girl in TV series at all. Her face is ugly but buddy is just fine. With carton bag, you can even fuck her. I don't remember that I slept with her or not. I hope I didn't. I said, it could be the work of intelligence. The guy got comminist backround. If you think about the information that communist guy gave to the conservatives, it make sense. Fatih started to speak, In fact, he was investigated by intelligence since his communist party time. He was rising fast in the party. Then he joined the conservative party. Conservatives asked for investigation. But there was nothing. After the guy requested to do "Hizmet", they regretted their suspects. However intelligence didn't stop to follow him. But it was hard in Africa. After he left Nigeria, they lost him until Turkic republics. But these countries have terrible intelligence agencies. They couldn't give them anything.

After drinking tea, I asked to Fatih, Can I have a look to his files ? He said, Whatever, it is just a suicide, nothing else. Hey Mami take this guy to the archive room. I said, no need, I know where it is. After finding his files, I took a desk and sit and started to look at the pictures of the guy. First in the communist party, then taking his rosette of Justice and Development Party from Bulent Arinc, Nigeria, Gana, Guinea, Congo, Somalia, Sudan, Egypt, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan and finally Kazakstan. I noticed how interestingly his wife is getting hotter and hotter in every picture. She is really beautiful woman. She never wore one of these religious scarfs. It must be hard for the guy to explain it to conservatives. Files finished after Kazakistan. They requested some information from Russians, but couldn't get any positive answer. The guy was in real poverty in Africa, the civil wars, sckeleton children, chopped off little arms, rebels in little vans with their French machine guns. He took these pictures by himself. He could be a really good photoghrapher. It says, there is a lost diary of him. It dissappeared after he returned from USA. Maybe the intelligence got it. But there is no way to recieve it from them. They will not give it to a peice of shit detective.