I am sitting in a toilet, looking at the stones. I gave up to try forcing myself to shit long time ago. Now, I am just sitting here, listening the other people's shitting. Yes, I am in a public toilet. I am trying to find a salvation here. I don't read nothing in this cabin. I used to read something in my place; comic books, novels, short stories. Before constipation, I wasn't reading that kind of staff in the toilet. For me these staff were unnecassary. Because I could shit in seconds and even three times in a day. It was happy times that I used to hate shit. In fact, everybody hates shit.
People think it as terrible, disgusting, nauseous.... People describe the shit with these words. They don't say anything like; relief, fertilizer, the source of the terrestrial life. Shit is brown but according to people it is insult for brown. So It has its own colour, the colour of shit. People don't like step on shit. They curse at that moment. When they don't unterstand anything, they say, I don't understand a shit. They think that the shit doesn't have any meaning. When a person is ugly, they call him as shit face.
I get out the cabin to wash my clean hands. I saw a guy, just by me. So ... so relieved, so relaxed. The guy with moustache, has a dirty beard. He turned to me, told me, it seems that a dog died in my belly. I hope no one will use that cabin in fifteen minutes.
I go outside for smoking, I didn't pay anything to the toilet guy. He knows me for a long time, he pities on me little bit. I am damned according to him. We smoke together at the door. He was the one tells me not to pay anymore. Before I used to pay everytime. But the guy somehow understood that I couldn't have shit. He tought that it is unfair to charge me for toilet. The toilet guy asked me, how do you feel ? I replied with smiling, I feel like a horse died in my belly ! Toilet guy loughed loudly. He said that I don't understand how they couldn't helped you in hospital. I explained, they told me my situation is not classic constipation case. It seems that something stucked in my colons. They don't know what it is. They even searched for cancer. There was nothing. In these hospital time, I remembered my schizoprenic uncle. He should have an operation from his ass, somekind of hemoroid nad the doctors gave him very powerful laxative to empty his intentines. I was a teenager. I remember the vision that my uncle grabbed his ass and run to the toilet in every ten minutes. He wasn't happy at all in that situation.
Now I am walking through Istiklal Street in Beyoglu ın Istanbul that city I was born and raised. I look the walking people's faces. They don't know anything, they are so ignorant. After a short walk I saw that a dog shitted around a phone booth. People looked at it and disgusted. I looked at shit. The dog was trying to cover it with some soil at the bottom of the three. There were already shit flies on the shit. After the dog left, a cat come and sniff the uncovered shit.
The abdominal pain of mine is unbearable right now. I have even difficulty to walk. I thought while walking, The ancient Egyptians were the only one who gave a great value to shit at least to shit bug. It was the symbol of recycling life for them. They were wise people not like us. I reached to public toilet. Actually it is a mosque by the road to go Galata. I couldn't walk further, the toilet guy took me one of the cabins. I sat on the toilet cap and something broke in me. I can not breath anymore then after a moment I started to see Maati gates in the book of deads of Egyptions. I pass through the door. I left the earth behind. It was the road to awe. After that shiny stars, now there is darkness. The infinite darkness all around of me.
I am relieved ...
Umea, 2012 Novembre
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