31 Mart 2017 Cuma

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR


Once upon a time, there was a man who called himself a fugitive.
He committed absurd crimes and spent his life escaping from the law.
One day he forged a fake 15 euro banknote for no reason,
And paid a hotel room for a night.
In the morning the policemen stood at the hotel room's door.
The detective always chasing him pounded the door firmly and roar,
"I know you are in there, my friend, this time you will pay the price of your crime."
The man replied greedily,
" Haha! you fucking cops, you will  never catch me alive."
When the cops broke the door, the man quickly ran to the bathroom.
But there was a problem of course:
No other outlet in the bathroom except a small ventilation hole.
When the cops started breaking the door of the toilet,
He cried and prayed to the God:
"What if my God turned me into a little insect that I could escape from that small hole".
When the policemen broke the bathroom door,
There was no man except a shit bug on the floor.
The angry cop cried out,
"Where the hell is this son of a bitch ?"
He gasped and with a ferocious anger,
Squeezed the disgusting bug on the ground.

                                                             Munich, March 2017

2 Mart 2017 Perşembe

BIR KIS GECESI HOSTEL'DE / A WINTER NIGHT IN AN HOSTEL


Türkce:
 (English is below)

Houtbahnhof tren istasyonu yakinlari,  Hakerbrücke semti,
Manninger Hoteli, Oda 209,
15. gece,
saat: 23:11


Dün gece kucuk kasvetli odamda yalnizdim. Saat 11'i vurmus ve daha kimse odama gelmemisti. Anlasilan bugün de kimse gelmeyecekti. Derhal bir dus aldiktan sonra pencere kenarindaki yatagima uzandim. Önce cep telefonumdan film izlemeyi düsündüm fakat metro'da okumaya basladigim kitap önemli bir yerinde kalmisti. Ufak isigi acip yorgani üzerime cektim ve huzur icinde kitaba kaldigim yerden devam etmeye basladim.

" Merano, 31 Mayis 1920"
 Sevgili bayan Milena, gün o kadar kisa ki, sizinle ve birkac ufak tefek isle gecip sona eriyiveriyor. Gercek Milena'ya yazacak birazcik bile zaman yok, cünkü daha da gercek olani bütün gün buradaydi, odada, balkonda, bulutlarda...

Tam kitabin dünyasina girmis, kendimi otel odasinda oturmus masasinin basinda güzel Melena'ya mektup yazan Kafka gibi hissederken, odanin kapisinin tikirtisini duydum, biri geliyordu. Gelen herifin öbürkü odayi secmesini ya da benim odaya gelecekse de tas gibi bi hatun olmasini dilerken, iceri zebellah gibi bir herif burnundan soluyarak girdi. Adam gercekten de agzi yokmuscasina burnundan soluyor arada da burnu düdük gibi ötüyordu. Selamsiz sabahsiz odadaki iki ranzayi didik didik kontrol etti ve bana kirik bir Almanca'yla bir seyler söyledi. Almanca "Almanca bilmiyorum " dedim, ayak ucumdaki diger yatagin cekmecelerini gösterip Almanca bir seyler söylemeye devam etti. Kelimelerinin arasinda burnu hala düdük gibi ötüyordu. Adam siktir olup gitsin diye Italyanca "yatak dolu" dedim. Bana bir süre bakti ve yine Almanca bir seyler söyleyip cekmecedeki her haükarda baska birine ait olan torbayi cikartti ve bana gösterdi. Adamin davranislari beni rahatsiz etmeye baslamisti. Bu sefer güzel Türkcemizle " Yatak dolu iste orospu cocugu ! " dedim. Iri yari adam galiz sözlerimin üzerine bana saskin gözlerle bakti. Gergin bir sessizlikten sonra herif Almanca olmayan baska bir dilde birseyler geveledi ve diger torbayi cikardi.. Acikca söylemek gerekirse herife sövdükten sonra hafif tirsmistim ve bu hayvan herife karsi tek bir sansim bile yoktu. Dik gri sacli, Slav görünüslü ve yamuk Leh kafasina sahip bu herif cantalarini birakip öbür odaya gecti. Biraz rahatladim. Sagi solu belli olmayacak bu herif ayni zamanda biraz icki de kokuyordu. Fakat adam dakika gecmeden geri döndü ve yine Almanca bir seyler geveleyip elindeki bir baskasina ait torbayi öbür cekmeceye aktarip kendi torbasini oraya bana gösterdigi cekmeceye koydu. Adam bedeninin her hareketinde oflayip pufluyor, Leh'ten cok Bulgarlara benzeyen kucuk burnu koca vucudunu besleyecek yeterli oksijeni cigerlerine cekemiyordu.

Adamin bu ufacik odadaki her hareketi beni gerim gerim geriyor, okudugum kitaptan bir sik anlamiyordum. Iri kiyim herif sonunda esyalarini cekmeceye yerlestirdikten sonra, inleyerek pantolonun cikartti ve sonra don  atlet sik kadar odada fütursuzca volta atmaya basladi. Okudugum kitapta Kafka'nin mektuplarinda Melena'ya düzdügü dolayli övgülerini okuyup büyük yazarin abazanligina odaklanmaya calisirken, herifin koyu yesil donu buna engel oluyor beni yillar evvelki hatiralarima götürüyordu. Sütlüce askeri subede, liseden kadim dostlarim Erdem ve Yasin ile don gömlek dimdizlak kaldigimiz yoklamadaki saglik kontrolü sirasinda koyu yesil donuna corap doldurmus asiri killi adam, karsimdaki herifin yerini aliyor, adami arkasindan beyaz uclari sararmis bebek bezi gibi duran donuyla Yasin ve onu gri boxeriyla Erdem takip ediyordu. Gerginlikten neredeyse ciglik atacakken, herif yine burnundan soluyarak tam yanimdaki banyoya girdi. Icerden gelen musluk sesinden adamin klosete inleyerek oturmasina kadar  herseyi son derece belirgin bir sekilde duyabiliyordum. Adam cok gecmeden ikinarak catir catir sicmaya basladi. Tuvalet suyuna dusen boktan anladigim kadariyla adam keci gibi kesik kesik siciyordu. Bundan adamin uzun bir sure birsey yemedigi sonucunu cikarttim. Heriften gelen icki kokusunun da aslinda acliktan gelen agiz kokusu olduguna kanaat getirip biraz olsun rahatladim. Adam sicmanin üzerine uzun bir dus alip, banyodan cikti ve direk yataga girdi. Bir süre bir saga bir sola döndükten sonra horlayarak uyumaya basladi. Odaya rahatsiz edici bir koku yayiliyordu. Adamin kulaklari sagir edecek bu horlamasindan Kafka'ya yine konsantre olamiyourdum. Hizlica sigara sarip, montumu sirtima gecirdim ve coraplarimi giymeden ayakkabimi giyip asagi sigara icmeye koyuldum. Kuskusuz montum ve altimdaki mavi cizgili ince pijamam bir kontrast olusturuyordu. Fakat hic bir sey sikimde degildi artik. Herifin tam suratina vuran isigi acik biraktim. Bu adama rahat bir uyku cektirmeyecektim. 

Hotel'in kapisinin önünde karsimdaki eski fabrikanin bacasindan tüten dumani izleyerek yavasca sigarami ictim. Sigara bittikten sonra icerdi girdim ve merdivenleri yavasca tirmanmaya basladim. Odalarin oldugu kirmizi halili holden yavasca ilerleyip koridordun sonundaki odama girdim. Adamin hunharca horlamasi daha kapinin disindan duyuluyordu ve icerdeki koku artik daha da belirgindi. Evet, safra kokusuydu bu. Igrendim, ama yine de montumu ve ayakkabilarimi cikarip yataga uzandim. Ayaklarim corapsiz ayakkabi giydigim icin kesif bir sekilde kokuyordu. Zevkle ayaklarimi iyice herifin burnuna dogru uzattim. Kitabi actim ve bos gözlerle kaldigim sayfaya baktim. Fakat icerdeki koku ve adamin horlamasi artik iyice dayanilmaz olmustu. Bunun üzerine, kitabi elimden birakip, kafami dagitmak icin cep telefonundan internete girdim. Adam bir süre sonra horlamayi kesti ve panikle Macarca uykusunda mirildanmaya basladi! " ... oga saab.. Gatten zaakson, dezonva memet ... Aiptomaa " ve sonra Türkce dublajla " Kayzer Soze ! Kayzer Soze !!! " diye  haykirdi! Ve sonra tekrar dayanilmaz bir sekilde horlamaya devam etti. Inanilmaz korkmustum ve artik dayanamiyordum. Montu, bavulu kitabi, birakip diger odaya gectim ve odadaki temiz havayi icime cektim. Sag ranzanin alt yataginda üstü ciplak bir adam sirti bana dönük uyuyordu. Tüm perdeleri kapatip, cam kenarindaki yataga gectim. Sasilacak derecede hizla uyuya kaldim.

Sabah 7 gibi uyandigimda diger ranzadaki adam ortadan kaybolmustu. Montumu cantami almak icin kendi odama gectim. Safra kokusu hala tüm hasmetiyle yerindeydi fakat herif ortada yoktu. Yastigi ters dönmüs carsafi iyice dagilmisti. Yatagin üzerinde ufak siyah bir bavul vardi. Herifin bavuluydu bu. Yaklastim. Bavulun üzerinde kücük bir not vardi.

Türkce:  

" Sevgilerimle, Kayzer Soze "   

                                                                                           Munih, Mart 2017

In English:



Close to the Houtbahnhof railway station, the Hakerbrücke neighborhood,
Manninger Hotel, Room 209,
On the 15th night,
At 23:11


I was alone last night in a little dreary room. The hit 11 o'clock and no one came to the room. I guess no one will be here tonight. After I got a shower right away, I stretched myself to the bedside window. First, I thought I would watch a movie on my mobile phone, but the book I started reading on the subway was in an important lines. I turned the little light duvet on and continue from where I left the lines in peace.

"Merano, May 31, 1920"
 
My dear lady Milena, the day is so short, that it passes  through with you and a few small things and end up to the end.
There is not even a little bit of time to write to the real Milena, the more real you  was here all day, in the room, on the balcony, in the clouds ...

When I entered the world of the book, I felt like Kafka, who wrote a letter to the beautiful Melena at the table sitting in the hotel room, then I heard the door of the room peeping, someone was coming. 
I wish the guy coming choses the other room or if the person will sleep in my room, I hoped that it would be a smoking hot lady. Instead a person like zebella entered in by breathing in his nose. The man breaths in his nose like he has no mouth and sometimes his nose was whistling like a pipe. Without saying an hello, he checked the two ranzas in the room and the drawers below and then told me something with a broken German. I replied "I do not speak German" in German, He continued to speak things in German, showing other bedside drawers. His nose still sounded like a whistle among his words. I said " the bed is occupied" in Italian and French so he can get the fuck out of the room. He looked at me for a while and again he said something in German and he pulled out the bag that belonged to one of the others and showed it to me. The man's behavior is starting to make me feel uncomfortable. This time I spoke in my lovely Turkish "the bed is full, son of a bitch!" He looked at me with a confused eyes on my vulgar words. After a nervous silence, the guy whimpered on a different, non-German language, and put out the someone else's bag from drawer and showed it to me. To put it bluntly, I was little wimped out after my Turkish vulgar words, since I had no chance in a fight against this animal. This guy with a steep gray hair, Slavic appearance, which has a crooked Polish skull left his luggage and went to the other room. I was a little relieved. This guy, who seems temperamental, smelled a little drunk at the same time. But the man came back a minute later, and he put on a murmur of German words again, transferring the belonging to an other man in his hand and showing his own bag to me there. The man was breathing a sigh and puffing in every move of his body, the his small nose, which looks like Bulgarian not like big Polish nose, could not afford enough oxygen to feed the his body.

Every move of this fucking man in this small room, made me nervous. After he had put the pieces in the drawer at last, he moaned, and took out his trousers and started to walk around in the room. I became even more nervous and I couldn't understand a word in the book while reading the indirect praise of the flatness to Melena, and trying to focus on the great writer's abhorrence. His dark green underwear makes me remember the previous few years. In Sütlüce military subordinate, during the military health check which we were almost naked just with our underwear with my long time pals, Erdem and Yasin and of course the wierd hairy guy wearing dark green underwear filled with socks, and Fenerbahce - Galatasaray match be reflected on the huge wall. In the absurd vision of mine, that wierd guy with full of hair in his body was replacing the waling man in my room and Yasin was following him with his white classic underwear and Erdem with his grey boxer following behind. I was almost going to scream out of my nervousness the guy was still breathing in his nose and he entered the bathroom at my side. I could hear everything in the bathroom. The sound of the water tap and the groaning sound of the man sitting on the closet. I removed the result that the man didn't eat for a long time. I felt relieved the nicky snell from the guy was foul breath out of hunger and I relax little bit. The man took a long shower on the stick, and come out from the bathroom and then went straight to his bed. He turned his right and his left for a while and he fell a sleep and started to snore like hell. Then a disturbing smell spreaded in the room. I couldn't concentrate on Kafka again with his snore which could make my ears be deaf. I rolled my cigarette, wore my coat and I put on my shoes without wearing any socks. No doubt the long detective coat and the blue striped pajamas underneath were a contrast. But I dind't give a fuck anymore. Before, I left the room, I arranged the bright little light out of the guy's face. I would not let this guy get a good night's sleep. 

In front of the hotel's door, I watched the smoke coming from the old factory across the street, smoking slowly. After the smoking was over, I walked in and started climbing the stairs by taking my time. I went to the room at the end of the corridor with red carpet on the ground.  The guy's brutal snoring was heard from the outside of the door and the smell in the inside was even more pronounced. Yeah, that was the smell of bile. I nausated, but I still proceed to my bed and took of my detective coat and my shoes. My feet smelled strongly since I wore no shoes. With pleasure, I stretched my legs straight into the nose of the man. I opened my the book and stared at the page. But the bile odor and the brutal snoring were no longer tolerable. On top of that, I left the book away and entered the internete on the mobile phone for letting all hang out. After a while the man snored and got panicked in his sleep and started to murmur in Hungarian "... oga saab .. Gatten zaakson, dezonva memet ... Aiptomaa" and then with the Turkish dubbed "Kayzer Soze! Kayzer Soze !!!"! he shot out in his sleep! And then he continued to snatch again on an unbearable scale. was so unbelievably frightened and I could not stand it anymore. I left and went to the other room and inhaled the clean air in the room with great joy. A half naked man was sleeping facing his back to the room on the ranza in the left. I closed all the curtains and went to the side of the window. Then I fell a sleep quickly at the suspect level. When I woke up like 7 in the morning, the half naked guy had already left. I went to my own room to get a canteen. Bile odor was still at his disposal, but he was not there. The cushion was turned over, and the scheet was scattered. There was a small black suitcase on the bed. I approached. There was a small note on the suitcase.

In Turkish; it was written:

"Sincerely, Kayzer Soze" 


                                                                    Munich, March 2017